Worst Comments Contests 2

Ok, I’m trying again. The deadline is March 30. This month I’ll send the winner one of those fizzy bath balls.

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31 Responses to “Worst Comments Contests 2”

  1. My BIL turned to my husband at a recent family get-together and told him, “You’re just mad because I’ve passed on my genetic material and you can’t.”

    Or

    After my FET failed last summer, my soon-to-be-pg-after-one-cycle-of-trying best friend asked me if I thought my IF problems were the universe’s way of evening things out since I was so stellar and “lucky” in every other area of my life.

  2. When speaking to a family member, while still in the hospital after losing my son, I mentioned that he was big for his age and would have probably been a big baby. The family member responded with:

    “Well, I guess you’re glad you didn’t have to go through that!”

    ….. yeah… cause a big baby would have been WAY worse than a dead one…

  3. “You are just being selfish by doing IVF, you obviously were not meant to have a baby. By having a baby you would be causing global warming by contributing to the over population of the world.”

  4. Here from niobe… it’s actually tough to settle on only one stupidest comment from the time our twins were in the NICU and then as one of them died. An acquiantance came to see us in the hospital a couple of days after we lost Liam and said, “So, do they throw away half your breastmilk now?” as she nodded, as though that would be the most sensible thing to do.

    I don’t remember what I said to her. I was too busy pulling her underwear up over her head.

    Even worse than the almost universal foot-in-mouth syndrome? The silence. The people who have said absolutely nothing about all we went through, because god forbid they feel uncomfortable, having to utter a word of it.

    Chickenshits, I say. If I had to go through it, dammit, you can drum up the strength to look me in the eyes and say you’re sorrry, and ask us how we’re feeling.

  5. Sorry, I saw “worst comments” and I had to add mine, even though I’m in the realm of babyloss as opposed to infertility/adoption. Can I be an honourary player? :)

  6. The comment that I get all the time, which makes me cringe, is “Why didn’t you adopt an AMERICAN baby?” (I have a lengthy treastise on why I didn’t adopt through the county foster care system, but, the question rankles me because it implies that my daughter was somehow less worthy of having a permanent home.)

    But, the worst I ever got was when a hospital clerk said they wouldn’t treat her until I brought my adoption decree to the hospital because, “obviously you’re not her real mother.”

    LM

  7. Would you post the rules here, too?

  8. I’m sure these aren’t the worst you’ve heard/read, but hey why not add my two cents?

    First:

    A mere hour after having my tubal reversal surgery, I was laying in my bed crying to my husband because I was in pain and very scared that this had all been for naught.

    A young nurse came to monitor my vitals and said, “You had your tubal reversed? Yeah, my sister did that. It didn’t work.” Then she walked off.

    Second: After suffering a “fetal demise” at about 6 weeks of pregnancy and subsequently miscarrying what was left, my sister-in-law asked me how I was. When I tried to explain to her that I had to use a medication to start the miscarriage process (since my body didn’t want to give up what was no longer there), she held up her hand and told me to stop right there. She reminded me that she had strong feelings against abortion and didn’t want to hear anymore. She was accusing me of having an abortion instead of a miscarriage.

  9. “At least you got to see two lines.” After my FOURTH miscarriage.

  10. SIL (after miscarriage following stillbirth): “At least our next children will be closer in age.”

  11. Okay, mine isn’t about infertility, but when my mom discovered that we were serious about adopting through the state’s foster system, she called to tell me that her cousin adopted a child who is always in and out of jail. Ummm, thanks mom – very helpful! And supportive!

  12. (From the pharmacist, when I was picking up my prescription of Clomid): “I think it’s wonderful when people adopt, you know, those poor kids get to come to America, where there’s just so much abundance! You can sign them up for any kind of services, you know, that kid never has to play the Lotto cause he already won the jackpot! You know I had these friends who were having trouble, and I told them “just relaaaax! If it’s meant to be it’ll just happen.” And you know once they stopped trying so hard, it happened! And then they couldn’t stop! They were like, “how do you stop? We’re going to end up with 8 or 12 kids!” It was like once the dam broke, the floodgates just opened up! You know what I’m going to do, I’m going to pray for you.”
    (Came over from Niobe’s blog – I don’t know if this should count as multiple entries, but all these comments were within one encounter)

  13. Would have to be from my older sister.
    She “somehow” got pregnant at 39. (Has 2 other kids)
    First she called me and asked if she should terminate as she was sooo old.
    I.was.pissed. She knew I was/am infertile. i told her to make up her own damn mind as she wasn’t even going to push that on me.
    She then told me that since I had none of my own, and because of that, I really wasn’t a real woman.. that maybe she should give it to me.
    Oh.My..G%d. I flipped.
    I was not a real woman???? I so get pissed when I think of that.

    (she did keep and have ths baby boy…)

  14. 2 days after losing my daughter. I sit in the cardic ICU while my godmother and godfather sit and talk to me. My godmother (a former nurse for 30 years) says “If you weren’t so fat this wouldn’t have happened. Lose some weight before the next one.” So 2 years later I still want to rip her head off.

  15. Per request from Niobe’s blog…Unfortunately, this is 100% true.

    I am now an anti-baby shower woman. So I decided that if my second pregnancy resulted in a baby that actually came home breathing, we would have a “safe arrival or welcome” party instead of the baby shower. So a few months after Sean’s arrival home, we threw the party. A friend of my husband’s family came to the party with 3 of his 4 children…we’ll call him A. A is married in his late 30s or early 40s with 4 children. A proceeded to approach me with “So how does it feel to prove you are a woman?”. Now I am not a person that is ever lacking words, however, I was in a state of complete disbelief that someone would say this. I was prepared for “now you have a child” or “everything is better now” but not that. My husband was also standing there and quickly escorted him into a different room before I replied.

    I wish I could stop there and say that I had to hear someone ask me that question but oh no…it continues. A few months later, there was a town festival that we were walking around at. Of course, who comes walking up to us, A and his entire family. The first question how of his mouth directed to me “So how does it feel to prove you are a woman?”. Only this time I had thought for months regarding replies to that question, yet because is children were right there I just couldn’t bring myself to say them. However, this time I walked away from him. I turned to my husband and said, “I’ll be waiting by the water fountain”. I’ve never seen him since and hope I never do (or at least when he is with his children and I have to be a better person).

    Tricia

  16. I have two omg moments.

    ONE.
    My husband and I went to an international adoption information meeting. Big room with LOTS of people. After they explained several of the country programs and the basic process, some asshat raised his hand and said, “Ok, I’m not sure how to say this, but do you, you know, get to pick? I mean when you go to the pound to pick out a puppy you get to pick, you know.” I felt for his wife. I watched her body go visibly stiff and I’m sure she wanted to disappear. Or at the very least wished she could pretend she did not know him. Poor woman.

    TWO.
    Ten weeks after giving birth to b/g twins that could not survive, a friend (not any longer) who ironically had a living, breathing baby ten weeks old, “Well, you can hold on to what you’ve lost or you can hold on to what you have, but the reality is it’s been really difficult having friends be so negative during our happiest moment.”

    I’m certain if I really thought about it I could think of more…but I’ve desperately tried to delete these memories. I agree 100% with sweetsalty kate, it’s the silence that has been the killer. Especially from the people closest to us.

  17. right after having a miscarriage (only a day or two) a friend starting telling me how great it was that her baby was crawling and doing all manner of great new baby things. when i mentioned that it was hard for me to talk about this right now she got huffy and said “well it is too bad that we are in such different spots in life right now. ” Um, yeah.

  18. hi, i also came over from niobe’s blog. there are some real doozies here…

    here’s one that still stings from my SIL (while we were on a family vacation and she was complaining about her kids getting in the way of her having a good time, when I was duly depressed after getting my period that day, AGAIN): “well, WE don’t have the LUXURY of being CHILDLESS and getting to walk around without a care in the world…”

    um, excuse me?
    ~luna

  19. I hate to put fellow nurses in a bad light, but this really hurt me at the time. i had just started working Labor and Delivery and just started the beginnings of infertility testing. Everyone knew. And yet more than one colleague said to me, “You can never truly empathize with your patient’s pain because you have never given birth yourself.” Not as bad as some of the other stories, but really- these women had all taken classes in therapeutic communication…

  20. Woah. The comments above me are shocking. I don’t envy you the task of deciding whose heard the worst.

    I’m here from Niobe’s. After preterm labor forced me to deliver my 25 week son who subsequently died, my husband’s grandfather tried to comfort us by saying, “It meant nothing,” and pressuring my husband to hurry up and get back to work, “Enough excuses, finish the dissertation already.”

    My adviser offered this bit of comfort in a cheerful voice the first time I saw here again afterwards, “Boy your body just doesn’t like to stay pregnant does it!”

  21. Hardly worst ever, but Tricia’s post reminded me that 3 weeks after the c-section that led to the birth of my first and to date only child, conceived on IVF cycle #4, a point in time when it’s possible (though I don’t remember) I hadn’t even lost the excess fluid accumulated in my system from the drugs I was given for the surgery, my father came to my house, sat on my couch, and asked me, “What did you gain?” And though I knew what he meant and it irritated me, I offered him a graceful out; I said (and truer words have never been spoken, meant from the heart), “I gained a son.” But he did not accept the out, oh no. He asked the question again, “How much WEIGHT did you gain?”

  22. I’m here thanks to Niobe’s blog. I’ve been reading my own diaries of ten + years ago and what happened around that time is so fresh on my mind right now…
    Our baby daughter died 15 years ago during her vaginal breech delivery. Yes, I should have had a C-section, but that’s an other story. The first subsequent pregnancy after our loss ended in a miscarriage at eleven weeks gestation. My mother-in-law hoped that such a mishap wouldn’t ruin her vacation, she was going to stay with us, really concerned about herself in other words. While visiting Victoria BC she told us that she no longer gave Christmas presents to her children, she only bought gifts for the grandchildren. But since we didn’t have any kids, my husband could pick out a hand knit sweater, thereby completely ignoring me.
    After the third miscarriage she called me and told me she was going to give an heirloom string of pearls to the wife of my husband’s younger brother, “because pearls stand for love”. Grrrrh!

    Other than that any attention shown by mothers who claim they know what I’ve gone through because one of their children(!) ALMOST died remains filed under worst comments.

    Thanks for the opportunity!

  23. Whoah! I can’t believe that these comments are actually uttered from the mouths of human beings.

    Mine seems so innocent compared…my friend H. has three kids. She has a habit of sticking her foot in her mouth, so she is forgiven. But right after my last miscarriage she said, out loud, “parenthood isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be”. She apologized five minutes later.

  24. Hm. This is going to be cathartic.

    This one is from a ‘friend’, after I’d explained to her my various fertility problems:

    “Hm, it sounds like you have a lot wrong with you. Have you ever wondered whether nature actually wants you to breed? I mean, it sounds like it could be a disaster to pass on your genetic material. D oyou ever worry that you’re just being selfish?”

    What worries me is this: how many people think this, but don’t dare to say it?

  25. Hm. This is going to be cathartic.

    This one is from a ‘friend’, after I’d explained to her my various fertility problems:

    “Hm, it sounds like you have a lot wrong with you. Have you ever wondered whether nature actually wants you to breed? I mean, it sounds like it could be a disaster to pass on your genetic material. D oyou ever worry that you’re just being selfish?”

    What worries me is this: how many people think this, but don’t dare to say it?

  26. Second time ’cause I loove my family this way.
    Couple weeks ago, way early loss during a natural cycle. Granted I am 44, but after 20 plus years and all that medication…
    Mom asked what was wrong, I told her I actually appeared to have been prenant..naturally, but lost it. Her comment?
    Oh, well it is good your body did, that. With your age and all, it was probabpy going to be defective.
    Nice. Real Nice.

  27. An holistic physical therapist told me that, “if two people REALLY love each other, it only takes 1 sperm.” This after I told we had severe MFI and on our 3rd IVF – a procedure she thought was pointless.

  28. I’m here from Niobe’s blog.

    My son was born at 31 weeks, which was supposed to be out of the woods for the worst difficulties of prematurity. But he had a severe brain bleed and died after contracting spinal meningitis.

    My worst: Legs spread for a transvaginal ultrasound, asked by the tech if I have any children. She responds to our baby’s story by telling me that modern medicine had gotten in the way of “god’s plan”. “God,” she told me, thought it best that my baby die.

  29. I can’t remember whose blog led me here but my little story started when we had tried for 8 years, every surgery, test, procedure, etc that you could imagine. We decided adoption was the way we were to make our family. When we told my in-laws, their faces dropped. My FIL frowned and looked like he had swallowed fungus and proceeded to say “well how do you know WHAT you are going to get?” No, he didn’t mean boy or girl. He went on to ask if we knew if the baby’s mother was a “druggie” or had “some disease”. God forbid we adopt a child that needs LOVE and a family.

  30. Jennifer Says:

    My best friend told me after my second failed pregnancy (an 8-week ectopic that had to be surgically removed) that I was wrong to be trying because my huband (!!!) was probably not ready.

    Several months later, I tried to reach out by explaining what I was going through, and this was her response:

    “I didn’t write this to make you more upset, I know you can hear this and I think you can accept it maturely. I think you have a case of tunnel vision very bad right now (I know this is the most important thing in your life) but it might save you some relationships in the future if you take a step back and reevaluate how you are treating people, especially if you are asking people to reevaluate how they treat you.”

    Apparently, somewhere out there is a support group for people sick of my whining. Anyone else feel that way?

  31. [...] is having a contest to find the worst comment you’ve received about adoption, foster care or infertility. [...]

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